Dear Amy: I’m a happily married woman. My husband of 10 years and I are parents of a daughter.
I recently went on a volunteering trip to Asia. We were a group of women volunteers, who came from all over the world.
Something changed for me during my time there, as I became incredibly attracted to one of the girls in the group.
I have to say I fell in love. We were working for a common goal and I found her down to earth and incredibly original. I never told her about this.
I felt that maybe she felt the same way, but I am not 100 percent sure.
She has a boyfriend. I always knew I was bisexual but never acted on it. I’ve never been involved with any women, as I am very happy with my husband.
I wanted to talk to her about this while we were still there, but I never got a chance.
We are all back home now, but I can’t stop thinking about her.
One part of me says that I should tell her about this, but another part tells me not to mess with her head as I am not expecting anything out of this.
But I do need closure, somehow.
Please, can you suggest what to do?
I am just torn and tired of this feeling. I’m sad that I can’t tell anyone. Need Closure
Dear Need Closure: People in happy marriages often encounter other people who they feel sexually and/or emotionally attracted to. It is easy to fall like this when you are away from your quotidian spousal, parental and professional responsibilities, working in a faraway place toward a shared goal.
If you want to continue in your marriage, one way to cope with your attraction is to recognize that the connection with your life partner is the primary and most important one in your life. The ability to make choices is one of the privileges of being a mature human; the choice to commit fully to your partner is both unselfish and ethical.
In terms of disclosing this attraction to the other woman, before making your decision, you should ask (and answer) the age-old question: “What purpose would it serve?” If it would serve the greater good for you to communicate this — honestly and authentically — then you should.
If you are struggling with your sexuality in the larger context of your life and marriage, you could disclose and explore this with a compassionate therapist.